Sometimes it’s very difficult to know if your doctor has what it takes to take out what you have. Surgery can make any patient anxious. Horror stories about doctors who are remiss in their duties and even kill their patients probably cross your mind at the last minute before you go under the knife.
See “10 Tips to Help Insure That Your Medical Operation is Successful”
“The last thing doctors want is a patient to be anxious before an operation,” says Leonard Spilkey, chief operator and founder of Spilkey’s Facts, an organization that generates facts and statistics. “Anxiety accounts for 98% of all deaths during simple procedures.” According to Spilkey’s datistical findings, more patients die from worrying about the clamp that was left embedded in their aorta than from the oversight itself.”
This article is from the parody section, as if you can’t tell.
“Most of my patients never even regain consciousness during some inauspicious operation because they panic,” says Dr. Freemont Feldmen. “Just because an inopportune miscalculation occurred doesn’t mean we doctors can’t correct it. They [patients] just worry themselves to death before we do. It’s not uncommon.”
How many patients die as a result of simple oversights? “There are very few statistics on the subject because once someone is deceased they can no longer be considered a patient,” Spilkey says. “We will look into that and decide how the numbers should reflect our opinion.”
Deany Morgan, a medical insurance specialist told NewscastNow.com, “Blame can’t be placed on the doctors. They are all overworked and only make half as much of the $4,000,000 per year doctors made 4 years ago.” Morgan continued, “Most Doctors will correct their mistakes. They won’t charge for that. The problem is that patients don’t hang on long enough. It’s not the doctor’s fault that patients are impatient.”
Although the doctors don’t charge for “corrective” services, the insurance companies do. “It is not OUR fault that doctors regularly blunder,” says Deany Morgan, a medical insurance specialist.
What happens when a doctor kills you?
“I have seen this a million times in my field of work,” explained Crowley Fast. “These people always come to us AFTER the fact. At that point, all we can do is ‘patch’ them up and send them on their way.” Mr. Fast is the proud proprietor of Fast Drive-Through Funeral Creations. (“Got a minute? Get a funeral.”)
NewscastNow.com sat down with John Kessleman, Second Commander in Chief at the United States Office of Vital Statistics in Washington. “When it comes to doctors, people get what they deserve,” he said. “If they don’t get up off the table the moment an operation goes wrong, it’s their own fault. You have an obligation to walk away when a doctor is killing you. So many people complain AFTER the fact. You can’t expect the government to fight your battles. You have to be your own advocate.” We asked Mr. Kessleman if he was aware of any complaints in this nature in the past. “Yes. There was an incident back in 1968 in Pennsylvania where a mob of ‘victims’ rose up and protested. We had to take action, so we shot them.”
“They were those unruly right-wing hippy critical crackpots,” said Mr Kessleman. “The bully types that antagonize, yell loudly and take over, like that master baiting woman Kelly Magyn who sucked Donald Trump off track. We had to shoot them. Unfortunately the last man we shot was a colored man. I think his name was Ben or Duane Jones. Turns out he wasn’t even part of the protest. He just happened to be in the right farmhouse at the best time. Do you know how much THAT error stirred the black community?”
(With the help of film historian, Ted Turner, NewscastNow.com was able to locate 90 minutes of footage of the event. It depicted racial violence and is too graphic and surreal to show here.)
Off the record Mr. Kesslemen advised NewscastNow.com to let this story “rest in peace.” He told our reporters that they are looking to stir up a dead issue. “It’s funny how those departed from medical mistakes are the last ones to complain. It always turns out to be a meddling heir who had nothing to do with the surgery that tries to profit from the poor doctor’s unfortunate misfortunes. They continue to use the term ‘malpractice’ as if it’s still on the official politically correct list.”