By Robert Dimly and Frannie Gum
In the days of flying saucers and Sputniks people expected almost anything could happen.
There was the “Thing”, the “Fly”, the “mole” and the “gamma” people and other “unidentifiable” flying objects. We dismissed them all as being science fiction. They belonged on a library shelf. But then we all faced contradiction when it happened in real life itself.
The sky didn’t turn red. It didn’t suddenly turn green. But still we couldn’t catch our breath.
Without a roar of thunder it mesmerized us all to death. But we saw it. We all saw it.
The lunar landing of 1969.
It happened during the “space age”. Those days we were terrified of things suddenly coming out of the sky. We even learned to protect ourselves by “tucking” and “rolling” (known today as “pilates”).
We were wide-eyed and bomb-shelter oriented. We knew it was our last decade on Earth.
Now we know it was a hoax.
This article is from the parody section, as if you can’t tell.
In the 1980’s a group of Disney employees were asked, “What do you think of the 1969 moon landing?”
Twenty five percent believed it was all a fake. Another 25% believed it wasn’t possible because the moon is made of “cheese.” (34% couldn’t point out the moon on a map.) But all the employees that were polled were suddenly mysteriously fired. No one thought anything of the immediate termination of these specific employees at the time because Disney officially sloughed it off in a statement that these employees were “discovered” to be “gay.” (An official statement from Disney stated: “The idea of homosexuals working for a family-oriented theme park is queer to us. They have their own theme parks; Greenwich Village Land and Fire Island World. This has nothing to do with their comments about the lunar landing. There is no connection because in their employee agreement they were sworn never to discuss it.”)
But recently an old lady was discovered in a nursing home on the outer banks of England who revealed the truth about the lunar landing. “I worked for Disney at Disneyland in California at the time,” says Lucy Ullman, 95. “I was always quiet and a diligent, loyal employee. I was Walt Disney’s personal secretary. He was an honest man. I was there when he thought of opening a theme park in Florida. It was sad because Disneyland was not making any money yet here was Walt daydreaming about expanding, you know.
“I’ll tell ya, strange things were beginning to happen at that time. It all started when the CIA came to visit Mr. Walt. That’s what we called him, Mr. Walt. They met with Mr. Walt behind closed doors. Exactly after they left, Mr Walt came out of his office and announced that he was now going to build his theme park in Florida. You know, Disney World.”
Ms. Ullman drifted to sleep and we continued our investigation the next day.
“I got out!” she told us with a blank expression. “They tried to keep me in their private retirement compound — in their abandoned EuroDisney compound!” We had to postpone the interview until the following day.
It was two days later (Wednesday) when Ms. Ullman was up to continuing.
“After the CIA meeting, building Disney World began. I was moved to the new location just when they broke ground. There were so many secret meetings. I later learned that the CIA was looking to fake an astronaut landing on the moon. They had spent billions of taxpayer’s dollars and realized a moon landing wasn’t possible. So they had to make the taxpayers think their taxes weren’t wasted.
The CIA funded the entire cost of building Disney World so they could have the latest studios and sets to replicate a moon landing. Mr. Walt was sworn to secrecy. That’s when the trouble began.”
A nurse came in and excused us so Ms. Ullman could have dinner and a bath. We had no more time to hang around England and were forced to go back to the states. We did catch up with Ms. Ullman via telephone at a later date. This time, however, she sounded under the weather.
“They want to kill me! I know it!” We refocused her thoughts to the story of Disney.
“Where was I?” she asked. We brought her mind to date reminding her that trouble had been ‘brewing’ for Disney World. “Oh, yes. You see; the CIA sponsored the building of Disney World as long as Mr. Walt, that’s what I called him you know, Mr. Walt, as long as he, Mr. Walt, didn’t divulge their anterior motives. But Mr. Walt wanted to let the world know that the lunar Moon landing was a Disney production. He even told me it was his greatest masterpiece. He wanted to make his lunar landing was the center of his World. You know that Disney World is based on outer space — not space like around you space, but — space like as in up there,” said Ms. Ullman, pointing to the sky.
“They called a meeting of all 1200 people employed at Disney. We knew something was up when the CIA announced that no one should ever talk about the lunar landing or else. We knew it was bad.”
We asked Ms.Ullman why no one ever did. “Because it’s like this; when you have that many non-homosexual good Christians working for you, you can count on one thing; their unconditionally conditioned blind faith. We all just did what we were told without questioning it, of course. That’s what you did in those times. Wait! There’s more. But I need to take a nap, sonny.”
We remained on hold for another 3 hours before Ms. Ullman returned. She continued; “I didn’t sleep well because I always have those nightmares.” We asked her about the nightmares. “You know the ones, the ones where I was having company and my glasses had spots on them.”
We redirected her thoughts to the rest of the story about Disney.
“Well, you see, it’s like this…………..hold on I need some water…….. Where were we? Oh yes. You are such a dear. Disney was angry. He told me so. He said ‘I’m angry.’ He wanted the world to know about his production of the moon landing. He knew it would generate millions for Disney World. I mean, after the CIA funded the creation of the World they just walked away. There was no operating budget. I know. I was there. I was Mr. Walt’s personal secretary. We called him Mr. Walt. But he fought with the CIA. Not everyone knows the truth. People think Mr. Walt died of cancer and his head was removed and frozen. No. His head was removed for other reasons. It was never frozen. That’s a fact. You can look it up. How can you freeze a head? Jeffrey Dahmer and aluminum foil were not even invented yet. You would have liked Mr. Dahmer. That’s what I called him you know. Mr. Dahmer. He hated those gays but he put his beliefs into action.”
Again, we redirected Ms. Ullman’s thoughts back to the Disney conspiracy.
“But it didn’t stop after Mr. Walt’s death. No. There was too much loyalty to Mr. Walt. Others threatened to reveal the true secret of the moon landing film. His long time and dearest friend; Mickey was one of them. He threatened to go to the media. But after that Mickey mysteriously disappeared also. Most people don’t know that. Most people don’t know that it’s not really Mickey down there in Disney World. They don’t realize it’s just some guy in make-up pretending to be Mickey, but it is. I know. I was there I think.”
We investigated Mr. Ullman’s claims. We even reviewed the lunar landing tapes. We noticed that the reflection in the helmet appeared to look like Cinderella’s castle. Another employee told NewscastNow.com that it was actually Mickey in the space suit.
End of story. That’s a rap.
Robert Dimly is a staff writer at NewscastNow.com