In recent times, the debate over whether global warming is real and about to melt Greenland away or whether the planet is heading back into an ice age that will freeze us in place for posterity just like what happened in Pompeii has heated up and become a really cool topic for both the scientific community and lay people — almost as intense and important as debating the merits of making Caitlyn Jenner the woman of the year. While much has been made of the “hockey stick” graph above, other global warming graphs have been largely overlooked. Here, for the first time in a single article, are more of the graphs so that real answers may finally come just as sure as that cold wind will blow and feed the fire of knowledge. By the end of this article, the answer will be clear.
This article is from the parody section, as if you can’t tell.
THE TENNIS RACKET GRAPH.
According to those scientists who scare us everyday into believing that we are just minutes away from a flood that will wash our cities away, and according to Tony Blair who sees a WMD catastrophe coming within 45 minutes, there are more upwardly sloping lines. This of course means goblin warming is hiding under our beds and ready to rock us awake right before we are underwhelmed by the great tidal wave.
However, other scientists point to the downward sloping lines, noting that none of them are broken. This of course means that the trend cannot be stopped and the big ice age is coming. Frack now or freeze later. These theorists surmise that anyone who disagrees is a United Nations new world order fool or shill.
THE FOOTBALL PLAY GRAPH.
Those scientists who turn the air conditioning to 80 degrees to save energy and force the rest of the employees to sweat their asses off in oppressive conditions point to this graph to show that the X’s are above the O’s and all the arrows point up. For this, the world is heating even faster than last week’s worst case scenario and we should expect to catch fire by noon tomorrow. These theorists surmise that anyone who disagrees is on the Koch brothers payroll.
But those scientists who swear that the ICE Corps are a secret police force smuggling Syrian immigrants into the United States to take our jobs retort that the arrows always came from below and have pooped out to a point where they must reverse course and go down. They also cite the observations in a Justin Timberlake song as additional evidence. Finally, as anyone can plainly see, the X’s are falling upon the O’s and should soon collide and freeze together permanently.
A third view of this graph has emerged since the latest email leaks. A small but growing group of people are absolutely sure that this drawing represents not only a conspiracy of the United Nations but also a secret plan to convert all cisgender males to LGBTQandA. You can see the pattern in the way the O’s and X’s distort traditional bathroom gender icons. A subset of this group believe that this graph is a fraud. It is not a global warming graph at all but rather a child’s game where government employees try to get letters in a line on the government dole when they are supposed to be working. Do the research.
Thanks to the boldness of this article in finally publishing these important graphs, the global warming debate is over, and we all know who won. That solved, this website will be closed this afternoon as we play our annual company hockey game against the staff of Washington Post.