Acclaimed researchers Gilles-Eric Seralini and Willie Soon have just released a joint study to be published in the journal National Geographic which appears to confound and perhaps permanently destroy the popular myth that drinking Coca-Cola is bad for people. After a very careful review of the prior science, these two veterans found that not one of the earlier studies claiming that Coca-Cola may be harmful could be duplicated. As researchers have been aware for hundreds of years, reproducibility is a key tenet of good science. Further, reproducibility is a key tenet of good science, as this rule has been reproduced right here on this page.

This article is from the parody section, as if you can’t tell.

Using this ancient scientific rule, and stripping away the unnecessary layers of complexity that have surrounded this topic for the past few decades, Seralini and Soon came up with an experiment remarkable for its simplicity. Selected at random from among 100 fully-informed volunteers from Syria, two groups of 50 human subjects were studied. Members of Group A were placed in a room with nothing but chairs and cots and left there to be monitored. Members of Group B were placed in identical conditions, except that the Group B room included unlimited amounts of bottled Coca-Cola for those subjects to drink. Groups were monitored at various times over the next 19 days, with monitors removing those who did not make it through the experiment as quickly as possible to prevent corruption of the environment. (A similar prior retracted study with different results was found to be tainted when some of the subjects were consuming certain remains.)

Incredibly, by the thirteenth day, all 50 of the subjects in Group A who did not have the benefit of Coca-Cola were deceased, while in Group B, where unlimited Coke was provided, only 14 subjects had died. On day 19, the last day of the experiment, six Group B members were still alive. At this point, the experiment was terminated and numbers were crunched.

As it turned out, the average life expectancy without Coke was eleven days. With Coke, average life was extended for at least four additional days. Total lifespan by the Coke drinkers was at least one-third more than those who did not partake in the soft drink experience.

The Seralini-Soon study was funded by charitable donations from Exxon and RJ Reynolds. When the conclusions of the study were released prematurely by Edward Snowden, critics complained that the funding source was suspect, and that Snowden was a spy for Russia. However, Bill Nye “the science guy” quickly chimed in to remind people that these funding sources have a long history of honor. Nye promised to duplicate the study as long as he could have additional time on television to be a star. In a show of support, Hewlett Packard provided free paper and ink for the copy. Nye’s study is already underway. It is expected to be released a few minutes after we clear this paper jam. The following statement has been published by his office:

“As you know, there is much controversy in the new Seralini-Soon study proving that Coke adds life. We are currently in the middle of running our own carefully-controlled identical study. Findings so far indicate that we are on track to come up with a similar number. We assure everyone now, it is more than safe to have a Coke and a smile.”

With that, Rupert Murdoch, the new owner of National Geographic sighed and promised publication of the new confirmation study by Bill Nye. Murdoch then decided to have a freshly-squeezed power vegetable drink including kale and cold-pressed flax seed oil and a smile. The drink was handed to him by the woman who escaped ISIS/ISIL last week to find a new better life as Murdoch’s voluntary free-market personal servant. This information was obtained exclusively through the video recorded by our spy drone on location at Murdoch’s mansion.