We are often told that it is not appropriate to talk ill of the recently departed. So, now is the perfect time to pour it on while nobody dares to criticize. Nancy Reagan will be remembered as Mother Theresa progeny, the religious inspiration behind Billy Graham, and the cool ice in a glass of refreshing lemonade on a hot summer day with the wind blowing through our hair and everything’s fine.

This article is from the parody section, as if you can’t tell.

The sliced bread has now departed.

According to legend, upon his dying breath, Franklin Roosevelt told his closest friends and the vice president that Nancy Reagan would spend long nights on the phone helping him with his policies and the VP needs to know about the Manhattan Project right away. Unfortunately, Harry Truman and every subsequent president or resident did not take the advice of the Great Pumpkin Nancy. The world has been in turmoil ever since.

But now, we can just say yes to the news reports canonizing Nancy Reagan and finally begin to head to the right course. The world has lost the greatest woman who ever lived — but it has gained the wisdom to finally get things right. When we are done mourning for this most monumental loss, Nancy Reagan will be shining like the sun from her place in our spirits and we will spend our remaining days on Earth living righteously and blissfully until the day arrives that we get to rise and see Nancy Reagan again.

The liberal media says so. And we will learn to obey our inner spirits and comply. Amen.

Editor’s note: this story was originally published by NBC. This is the corrected version.