It’s true. The expert Calibration Unit has verified it. Last night, during the Democratic Debate, one of our janitors kept noticing that Hillary’s head just seemed particularly fat. While our night editor was outside smoking something, a janitor snuck onto our mainframe and posted this picture at Twitter. Before anyone noticed, the tweet had an astounding two “retweets,” which is considered going viral by Newscast Now standards. How embarrassing for a fledging news organization trying to build its creds.

This article is from the parody section, as if you can’t tell.

Then the night editor noticed the Tweet. The editor was extra angry as he was on the late night shift and had to watch the Democratic Debate well past his hours without more pay since he was promoted to “management” so the company could get out of paying overtime. He slammed the janitor down to the floor and shoved his head into the mop bucket water. Stinking of ammonia and somewhat disheveled, the janitor got up and said, “No, really. It’s a camera trick.”

The astute editor thought maybe it was just Hillary’s hair or her roundness-enhanced face structure. But the janitor insisted that it was a camera trick. So we sent the photos over to the Calibration Department on the west side of the building and waited overnight for a report. The next day, to our surprise, the janitor’s crazy conspiracy was confirmed. It was a camera trick.

Thanks to too many times watching The Forensic Files, our calibration experts were able to use the latest technology to compare the camera distance. The length of the podium when CNN was shooting Hillary Clinton was “way longer dude” than the podium length for Bernie Sanders, as highlighted by the horizontal red lines. This meant that the camera for Hillary was focused closer than for Bernie. So no. It wasn’t Hillary’s “fat head.” Stop saying that.