Early Monday morning, a package arrived at the offices of Trump Tower headquarters in Manhattan. The package, addressed to Ivanka Trump and her new son, contained a dead bird. Newscast Now decided to investigate while other media have pushed this story aside.

This article is from the parody section, as if you can’t tell.

Presidential candidate Ted Cruz, while just finishing up a machine gun hunting trip for flying prey, commented to a local news channel, “If we would just carpet-waterboard everyone in Harlem, we would probably get a few answers. But, with Obama in the White House, we’re not allowed to mess up anyone’s hair. So, Trump’s on his own on this one. Besides — to me — that bird looked just like the one Bernie Sanders had. Talk to him. Or talk to Hillary. She probably knows something.”

We called our insider contact at the FBI to find out what took place.

I was just in the middle of looking at environmental terrorism cases when you called. Did you know that Ellen Dorsey, the head of Greenpeace, ate pork ribs for dinner last night? She doesn’t like corn though. She spent 22 dollars on gas at the Citgo at 3:17 pm — a communist enterprise by the way. Then, she sent a text message. It looks like she was providing material support to one of her phone associates. It said “Happy birthday.” We’re investigating what this code really means. I expect a live video report from our nano-drone in her living room in five minutes, so make this quick.

We asked our contact how the investigation of the dead bird was coming along.

Oh, that. That’s nothing. We get reports of tombstones and dead birds here too often to count. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to look through a few hundred hacked iPhones by the end of — Oh, no, the red light is flashing! I’m receiving word that the Singing Grannies wrote a new song against holding terrorists at Guantanamo Bay. It seems they are going to sing it on a street corner Saturday. This is the most dangerous subversion I’ve heard this year. Gotta go. Bye.

The day before the bird arrived, a tombstone was discovered in Central Park engraved with the name Donald J. Trump. New York City Police Commissioner William J. Bratton released a statement:

On the morning that the tombstone was discovered, the 30,000 CCTV monitors that you know about were all down for maintenance, so we did not see who planted the tombstone there. We also missed who removed it hours later. These things happen.

The top brass of the NYPD were busy in a morning meeting at the Goldman Sachs building. They were not available to stake out the scene so we did. We asked a man who happened to be nearby walking in circles and staring at a cell phone if he saw anything. The man said, “No, everything looks perfectly normal here. I don’t know anything about that vandalism in Jacksonville either. And, as far as I know, not a thing — not a thing happened in Littleton. Nope. Not me. Nothing. No more pictures please.”

We will update this story as soon as we figure out who this Hillary person is. Ted Cruz forgot to give us a last name.