Marco Rubio Takes His 171 Electors and Runs Home with Them

Responsible people agree. There is no place in news discourse and certainly not in the presidential nomination race for insults and jokes about size. However, in the recent Republican debate, candidate Marco Rubio inserted a penis joke right into the whole of political discourse. He remarked about candidate Donald Trump: “And you know what they say about guys with small hands.” With this prick at his competition, Little Marco Rubio suffered a serious blow to his manhood credibility.

When asked about the comment, Marco Rubio admitted that he meant the comment as a naked tool of sexual innuendo. He refused to apologize. Historians are comparing this to the past. This could be the wettest tactic in presidential politics since George Bush showed a Willie on TV or since total nuclear annihilation was threatened by none other than a Johnson. Those campaign ads were a very schlong time ago indeed.

This article is from the parody section, as if you can’t tell.

The primary election in Marco Rubio’s home state of Florida was looming and the fruit of victory was becoming more out of reach around. Polls were straight up predicting a Donald Trump landslide. Marco Rubio’s prospects were withering. He was about to get the shaft. So he resorted to a penis insult. The innuendo comment did not help. Marco Rubio lost the Florida primary to New York values candidate Donald Trump. Marco Rubio was forced to withdraw. He pulled out of the nomination contest.

But he held on to his 171 electors …


Marco Rubio displayed a few of those 171 Electors standing erect on a makeshaft shelf behind him at his latest news conference. Clutching one invaluable Elector in his hand, he spoke.

People are really frustrated about the direction of our country. People are frustrated. And people are very upset about it. People are angry and frustrated. People are tired. And I know all these issues first hand job.

That’s how I decided that I too could run for President of the United States of America. But I chose a different route and I’m proud of that. I dropped out and held onto the Electors.

While I am on the right side of everything, I will not be on the winning side of anything. However, I will decide what to do with my Electors. I may choose to release them to another candidate, or I may cook one for dinner with carrots and potatoes, keep a few on the mantle, and lock the rest in a safe. While it is not God’s plan that I be president in 2016 or maybe ever, may God strengthen my hold over these important Electors.

IN OTHER NEWS, Southerbys will hold several auctions for rare ancient Electors that still work in the new American century. The auction will take place at Trump Towers.

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