Ammon Bundy and his rebel sovereigns have armed-up and entrenched themselves in a remote federal building in Oregon to protest injustices and block traffic. The group is protesting the sentencing of Dwight and Steven Hammond, who are facing prison for poaching and burning federal lands. Bundy and his buddies believe these federal lands are free for people to exploit, without regard to law or government — but especially the national government in Washington DC.

This article is from the parody section, as if you can’t tell.

WIDESPREAD PUBLIC SUPPORT

Support of the group is at an all-time high with citizens bending over backward to help the Bundy patriots. According to Associated Press:

Ammon Bundy has repeatedly rejected calls to leave buildings at the refuge despite pleas from the county sheriff, from many local residents and from Oregon’s governor, among others. He has said the group will leave when there is a plan to transfer control of federal land to locals.

The subjects of the protest, Dwight and Steven Hammond, released a support statement through their attorneys:

Neither Ammon Bundy nor anyone in his group/organization speaks for the Hammond Family, Dwight Hammond or Steven Hammond. In addition,… Dwight Hammond and Steven Hammond intend to voluntarily report to the designated federal facility on January 4, 2016, as required.

Even the notorious Oath Keepers chimed in with love for the revolutionaries:

Dwight and Steven Hammond have made it clear, through their attorney, that they just want to turn themselves in and serve out their sentence. And that clear statement of their intent should be the end of the discussion on this.

Our investigators went to a funeral to find Westboro Baptist Church protesters to see how they feel. Sure enough, we found them at the nearest funeral home. One tall protester told us, “I wouldn’t go near those Bundys. Those people are absolutely crazy,” as he held up his “god hates fags” sign while the procession for grandma passed.

CALL FOR MORE SUPPLIES

A terrible tragedy has taken a toll on these terrific agitators for transformation. Despite early Boy Scouts training and years of planning to take over a federal building, supplies have run low after a week and a half. The group has requested emergency supplies though an email sent by Ammon’s mother who is keeping his room clean and his slippers by the fire should he return home without causing his own local Armageddon. Bundy’s mommy sent the extended list to Newscast Now. On the twelfth day of protest, his mommy says they need:

12 drums of ammo
11 pints of moonshine
10 Just for Men kits
9 ladies dancing
8 wetbacks [sic] working
7 herded chickens
6 broken light bulbs
5 illegals [*]
4 calling plans
with wi-fi
2 stars and bars
and a dentist because their faces hurt.

*Illegals to keep things clean. Apparently, the “wetbacks” weren’t enough.

Picture credits: featured picture, go home picture.