Ted Cruz Gaining Ground With Disability Advocates

Identity politics is always a big winner over issues. Recently, it has come to light that poor Ted Cruz forgot a few things:

New York Times reports that he’s been omitting the part where they obtained two loans from Citibank and Goldman Sachs, where Heidi [his wife] works, which eventually totaled $1 million. Cruz reported putting $1.2 million, which he’s described as “all we had saved,” into his 2012 Senate campaign, but it does not appear that the couple liquidated their assets.

This article is from the parody section, as if you can’t tell.

Ted Cruz forgot that he didn’t liquidate his assets. Ted Cruz also forgot “the names of all the federal departments he wanted to abolish” in the latest debate. A few months earlier, Ted Cruz also forgot one of those departments but “mentioned the Commerce Department twice.” Ted Cruz also forgot to buy the TedCruz.com website. Ted Cruz also forgot to “disclose his financial relationship with a Caribbean-based holding company during the 2012 campaign.” Needless to say, Ted Cruz is forgetful.


We remembered to contact our best Newscast Now psychologist to ask for a medical diagnosis. Sure enough, our expert found from the comfort of his cubicle that Ted Cruz suffers with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease (CJD). While ADD can often be controlled with proper medication, CJD is much more difficult to manage.

With this new online diagnosis, disability advocates are putting aside their New York values and coming over to support Ted Cruz, since he is the only known disabled person running for the White House. “Only a disabled person could understand what we need for our disabled community. We have to endorse Ted Cruz for president,” said a joint statement of top disability organizations.

Not all disabled people agreed. There were those self-hating disabled people who thought that the Ted Cruz disability platform could be inadequate. “Cruz wants to cut disability and make people find work. He hasn’t actually said this, but what’d you think he meant by work to empower us?” yelled a malcontent, disgruntled, angry and bitter woman in a wheelchair  to our sweet chauffeur right outside of our high-rise New York office headquarters building.

“Did it occur to you that Cruz is just a lousy liar?” She ranted. “Here at Newscast Now, we don’t make accusations without evidence,” an editor responded. The wheelchair woman was clearly in the minority of the minority. “And don’t call me wheelchair woman!”

Some of the most outspoken advocates have also noted that Ted Cruz may be under a Constitutional disability, having been born outside of the United States and inside of Canada. This makes him even more appealing to the demographic.


The 2016 election is breaking out to be quite the battle of critical issues. Most women are supporting Hillary Clinton. Most Cubans are supporting Marco Rubio. Most plain and boring people are supporting Martin O’Malley. Most curly redheads are supporting Rand Paul. Most expensive hairpiece users are supporting Donald Trump. Most elderly people are supporting Bernie Sanders. Most Martians are supporting Carly Fiorina. We have a real contest. Nobody supports Jeb Bush.

Picture credit: January 14, 2016, Fox Business Republican Debate.

  • Bob Borner

    I can’t vote for Jeb Bush? Fucking Republicans.