A new Republican poll released just one minute ago by Honest Polsaurus has, for the first time, placed someone ahead of Donald Trump for the Republican national contest. Ted Cruz has passed Donald Trump by a wide margin. The new front runner has 28 percent while Trump has slipped to a dismal 27 percent. Many are saying Donald Trump cannot recover from this devastating disaster of epic proportions. Newscast Now visited a local pub with regular people and asked for comments by people who agree. People were elated.
This article is from the parody section, as if you can’t tell.
“Wow, great, fantastic news,” said a stately and intelligent middle-aged woman. “Ted Cruz. He’s just right for America. I trust Ted.” A dapper-dressed young man, overhearing the conversation rushed to exclaim, “Cruz is my man. He’s no cuck. He’s the real deal. When I see Cruz, I feel like saluting. He’s as American as the stars and bars.” A third, unsolicited older gentlemen with good manners quietly added, “When I see Teddy, I think of Roosevelt. I salute Mr. Cruz just as sure as I salute the nation’s flag. I can see the symbol of America in his face.”
Not all were thoroughly enthused. A nerdy-looking, glasses-wearing thirty-something told us, “Ted Cruz is a good man, almost impeccable. But I still like Marco Rubio better. Rubio has a way of getting his message across. Rubio has a way of getting his message across, Rubio has..,” the man responded as we pulled the mic away. A gleeful woman gushed, “Marco is charming. He’ll do us right. But I’ll take Ted if Marco decides to wait.”
Some noted that Marco Rubio has the most momentum and the highest electability ratings.
These people are rushing to support Marco Rubio with great enthusiasm as his campaign staff absorbs large numbers of volunteers. Meanwhile,Ted Cruz is the front runner. Even Jeb Bush looks sweet and pretty now, according to the American people we asked.
The polls don’t lie: Ted Cruz, the current front runner in a new poll released just minutes ago, is doing well too. Rubio has momentum. Jeb Bush is still competitive. Donald Trump is down. Now that the Pope is against Donald Trump, he will continue to decline.
On the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders is slipping fast. A team of Clinton economists have written a massive white paper condemning the Bernie Sanders economic plan. Everyone believes it. You believe it too. Our fact checkers reviewed the white paper and determined it is entirely correct.
Once the 2016 election is over, there will be more coverage of these less important but developing stories:
ISIS blows up Vatican City with Dirty Bomb.
Entire Arctic Ocean Melts due to Extreme Polar Weather
Strange Winter Tornado Kills Two Million in Japan
Full Nuclear Meltdown in France, Lethal Radiation Leaking into Germany
But, due to overwhelming reader demand, not until the breaking news cycle of latest polls is over.
The Newscast Now staff is proud to announce that we have won the “Honest Photo Representation Award” from the prestigious polling organization Honest Polsaurus for the year 2015, In 2016, we will try even harder to put up only the most honest, undoctored photos to make sure our readers see things exactly as they are.
ABC News contributed to this story on its February 17, 2016, broadcast.
Picture credits: Republicans, Bernie Sanders.