Exxon and oil companies are scrambling to support a sudden about-face on the connection between fossil fuels and climate warming as a new report is set to be released. Under both civil and criminal scrutiny for hiding the fact that oil companies knew as far back as the early 1980’s that fossil fuels increase global warming, some oil companies have now seen the light. Newscast Now has full coverage of the new findings including Election 2016 reactions and proposals.

NEW SCIENTIFIC REPORT COMING

The new report, “Scientific Analysis Shows Global Cooling as the Greatest Threat to Life on Earth,” provides high quality scientific data proving for sure and definitely that the planet is set to cool to ice age levels within the next 30 years as so-called “alternative energy” ramps up.

This article is from the parody section, as if you can’t tell.

The report will be released just as soon as Exxon and the Koch brothers create three or four dozen new and unfamiliar grass-roots scientific think-tanks and political sites. The old ones simply do not have the credibility to release this new information. According to Charles Koch, some of the names under consideration are Parents Insuring Scientific Sanity, Global Realist Atmospheric Research Foundation, and The Warm Babies Initiative.

SCIENTIFIC FINDINGS IN THE REPORT

The report was written by Syl Perl The Science Girl in cooperation with the skilled economists at Mises.org who know everything but economics. The report ultimately proves beyond any debate that:

1. For each new one-gigawatt windmill system, the gulf stream shifts an “average of 2.6 inches southward or lowers average world temperatures nearly half a degree” by pulling energy out of the atmosphere and slowing the entire system down. Further, the destruction of birds flying into windmill blades reduces the spread of seeds worldwide, stunting plant growth and destroying nature’s delicate balance.

2. For each new 100-megawatt water turbine system, the oceans lose some energy needed to flow, accelerating the deceleration of the atmosphere. The net effect is “some combination of shifting the gulf stream further south or cooling average air temperatures world wide.”

3. But the changes will not be felt evenly world wide. The paper also introduces the term “regional warming.” Regional warming occurs when the ocean has slowed so much that its little remaining hot spots provide “ideal conditions to incubate super storms” that barely move. These storms may churn over islands including Hawaii for weeks or months at a time, eventually destroying everything that exists.

4. The report settles the cause of sea levels rising, debunking the global warming hypothesis. “As the oceans freeze, the water turns to ice and expands. Remaining unfrozen ocean water has nowhere to go but up, onto the shores and into the coastal cities.”

5. Finally, the report points out the cycle of destruction created by windmills. As the planet cools, the need for energy increases. More windmills are built. The world cools further. And on it goes until the entire planet turns into “one big block of ice.”

While the paper does not provide a specific prescription to reverse the trends, it hints at two possible angles for further study. First, some of the global cooling problem may be reduced by “an immediate end” to the building of windmills and turbines. Alternatively — and this is the most controversial suggestion — the atmosphere can be re-stimulated to near-normal levels of activity through “controlled burns of fossil fuels into the atmosphere.”

REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES SUGGEST VARIED APPROACHES

Our campaign reporter sent questionnaires to the candidates. Four Republicans and zero Democrats got back to us by the publication deadline, which could not be moved due to the overwhelming anticipation of our readers.

Ted Cruz

I never believed in global warming alarmism. I prefer to rely on the objective data. Sean Hannity told me that only God could warm the planet to create life, and He does.This new report is a whole different matter. Windmills come from the devil. We should shut down the windmills right now and burn more oil and coal or the anti-Christ will take over. Worse yet, we could wind up with Hillary in charge.

Carly Fiorina

Let’s get on with the innovation. If we don’t do it, the Chinese will do it. Windmill technology slaughters millions of birds every year. Dead birds are unsightly, almost as unsightly as abortion procedures. Regulations on fossil fuels will not make a difference. When I am president, I will ban all windmills and deregulate the oil and coal industries. And I. Will. Win.

Marco Rubio

I believe the climate is changing because there’s never been a moment where the climate is not changing. I changed my underwear last week too. Regulations will have devastating impact on our economy. We need to build more windmills and burn more oil and keep the world in a healthy balance. Trust the industry.

Jeb Bush

Recently, I made two promises. I said I would give up doing really cool things to help everyone out from the White House. I also said I would end all energy subsidies. After looking at this new research, I can only do one of those. We need to avoid really cool things and keep the planet alive. That’s why today, I am supporting a single energy subsidy. We will purchase and burn massive quantities of coal and oil directly into the atmosphere to counteract the axes-of-evils in the windmills. I am the adult in this campaign. The nomination is mine. Not that I want it or anything. It just is.

Democrats

Democratic candidates have so far ignored this issue. Some Democrats will begin to talk about the global cooling issue some time after a large chunk of the population has bought into the new science, depending on who funds their campaigns.

Picture credits: featured picture, windmill, Ted, Carly, Marco, Jeb, Democrats: we don’t remember who that guy is or where the picture came from so sue us.