Is Mom a Diaper Thief? Ask Suzy. Dear Suzy Homemaker

Suzy’s back and ready to answer all our readers’ questions with her decades of experience.

Dear Suzy:

I am a 74 year old housewife. A few years ago my husband retired. He worked 37 years as a door-to-door encyclopedia salesman. Through the years we moved several times to smaller and smaller towns because only meters, cars, TV’s and phones are smart. People have no use for encyclopedias. All these years I cooked and cleaned and kept my husband happy. Now I am getting old and slowing down just like he did. I have to work around him everyday in his easy chair. It’s not fair. When can I retire?

–Jealous of Hubby

Dear Jealous:

I understand completely. Hold on, I’m almost done darning my husband’s socks… Okay, I’m caught up now. Where were we? Oh… You should have retired a long time ago. You women who want to maintain a full time career never learn how to relax. Retire today. Let the laundry go. Let the cleaning go. Let the caring go. Let the cooking go. Soon your husband will go too. Then you can throw out his easy chair.

This article is from the parody section, as if you can’t tell.

Dear Suzy:

My mom loves to spend time with my children. My husband and I are grateful because it gives us time to get out of the house. Some time ago we began to notice our son’s diaper supply was diminishing faster than before. He rarely needs diapers anymore but it seems like we are buying twice as many as before. My husband thinks my mom is taking them. He says she is probably incontinent but is too embarrassed to buy her own. How do I approach this problem?

–Pissed off in Jersey

Dear Pissed:

I understand completely. Your husband is probably right. Woman can be very ashamed about pee. I suggest you buy adult diapers and put them in the box of your son’s diapers. This way she can continue to use the diapers for many years without suspecting you know. In the meanwhile be patient with her; she will eventually get past the shame and pee anywhere.

Dear Suzy:

A few weeks ago I misplaced my prosthetic leg. The last place I remember having it was at a friend’s party. I looked everywhere but could not find it. Last night I stopped at my friend’s house and there it was! He had made it into a lamp! When I confronted him about this he insisted it was his uncle’s leg. I know he was lying because his uncle’s prosthesis is 8″ bigger than mine. Also it has a chipped toe. I chipped it playing kickball. How can I get it back without losing our friendship?

–Armman Foot

Dear Arm:

I know exactly what you are saying. I once asked a neighbor to lend me a hand and I inadvertently forgot to return it. I eventually returned it but had broken a finger off. I wanted to give him the finger and eventually I did. Things happen unintentionally. Don’t be hopping mad. Stay on your toes. Stand up for yourself. Put your foot down. Tell your friend that his nib is yours. You might resort to other extremities If he refuses.

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