Dear Suzy Homemaker: Suzy’s Back and We’ve Got Her

Help from Suzy. Suzy Homemaker’s back and we’ve got her.

Dear Suzy:

My Girlfriend went from a B to a C cup bra size during her pregnancy. For a year after they seemed to get bigger while she was breastfeeding. Now my girlfriend is as flat as a pancake. This bothers me because I like big breasts. I thought about getting her pregnant again but don’t know if she’ll balloon up again or will it just produce another kid. (She’s not from around here so she doesn’t know about child support. I don’t plan to marry her.) I really liked her big jugs but without them I have lost all interest in her.

–Hole in the Bucket

Dear Hole:

I understand perfectly. I, too, like big bazongas. There’s an old adage, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” I think you should try once more. It wouldn’t be fair to both of you if you’re not happy in this relationship. You are very lucky to know what you want but if you can’t get it you should move on. No point in crying over spilled milk.

This article is from the parody section, as if you can’t tell.

Dear Suzy:

A few years ago new people moved next door to us. It turned out they were openly gay. They did everything they could to be nice to us and neighborly. After a year of them being there my husband suddenly turned gay. It was because of their influence. Now another neighbor put up a big “Vote For Hillary” sign on her front yard. I have to look at it every morning when I wake up alone and drink my coffee. My problem is: I never liked Hillary. Now I live in fear that this sign will suddenly make me be a Hillary supporter. Are there laws that protect me from this?

–Signs of the Times

Dear Signs:

I understand perfectly. Every morning my neighbor’s dog defecated on our front lawn as my son watched from the bus stop. Fortunately for us, our town has an ordinance preventing dogs from wandering. (Unfortunately the town moved too slowly to enforce the law that my son picked up the habit.) Check to see if there is ordinance against “Vote For Hillary” signs in your neighborhood. If not, I suggest you move before November 8.

Dear Suzy Homemaker:

The first time I dated my husband I invited him over while I baked bread. The sexual tension was so great that we just started to have sex on the table in all the flour and dough. (This is not my problem.) Now every time I feel the need to knead he gets to makin’ with the bacon. This rolling in the dough has always been our little secret fetish. Last night his parents came over and before we could stop them they were eating the bread we made last night. His mother was so delighted and asked for the recipe. My problem is: do I give her the recipe and leave out the sex part or tell her the truth?

–Something More in the Oven

Dear Something:

I understand perfectly. Keep in mind that if you leave out the main ingredient the bread won’t taste the same. She might think you did it on purpose to spite her. Tell her the truth. Invite her to an “all girls” night. You can swap recipes and demonstrate how the bread is made. (My wife hosts these type events and includes Avon and Tupperware ladies.) Everybody knows food tastes better when it’s made with love.

Send your questions to Suzy Homemaker care of Suzy will answer all questions. Suzy will keep all names anonymous.

Suzy’s back and we’ve got her. Welcome back Suzy!