Mass Shooting Ignites Chaos Around Orlando Nightclub

At least 57 gay partiers were killed at the Pulse Nightclub this morning. Newscast Now is on the scene in Orlando at the biggest mass shooting since the last time.

“I could have been killed,” said 97 year old Mrs. Gray, a former synchronized swimmer.

“I got chills,” said Susan MacKulfie. “If I had a son that was gay, I would have accepted him and encouraged him to go to nightclubs where he would have got shot.”

This article is from the parody section, as if you can’t tell.

“No comment,” said Hillary Clinton’s office, “We haven’t developed the perfect politically opportunistic speech yet. Our team of experts is working on it.”

The National Rifle Association (NRA) appeared upon the occurrence to stake their part in the publicity. “Guns don’t kill gays, clubs kill gays,” they chanted as they raised their trophy assault weapons of mass destruction. Police on the scene brandishing .45 caliber pistols protected the NRA and its right to carry assault weapons.

A group of protesters arrived waving signs stating: “give peace a chance” – “not in my backyard” – “MADD.”

People were looting.

Another man said, “Trump is right. We need to build a wall to keep the bastards out. There should be walls around everything: Italian neighborhoods, black neighborhoods, gay pride parades, nightclubs, day clubs, Wall Marts — guns can’t penetrate walls. The bastards.”

The shooter was Omar Mateen, a natural-born US citizen exercising his right to bear arms. He had ties to underground organizations like Facebook — a consistent pattern with domestic terrorists. was first to interview certain people on the street.

We asked John Sowaso if he was here to support the event. “I came out to come out,” he declared, “and now I’m afraid. I don’t think I want people to know that I’m gay.”

Linda (we did not catch her last name) said, “My sister’s friend’s cousin’s son goes out clubbing a lot, and she’s very upset. We can’t seem to locate her on Facebook. The last time we spoke was when I caught him with my BFF’s BFF’s father two years ago. Am I on TV?”

The three members of the Westboro Baptist Church set up space at the event complete with their signature coffin. “Military fags must die or we have no purpose,” said Fred Phelps. “God hates fags,” they chanted.

A neighbor attracted our attention by stating, “Well good. They are finally going to close that nightclub. It’s always been a nuisance. This is a residential community. Last night it was so loud we couldn’t sleep through all that shooting.”

Bobby Mellon counteracted the neighbor: “We’re here, we’re queer, we like to drink beer. We’ll rebuild The Pulse and then we’ll build a club in every residential community. We’re fun-loving nice people, you f**king fat heifer old ugly bitch!”

Mothers Against Drunk Drivers (MADD) were present with their own booth.

A banner flew over the scene which read, “We will never forget this. Sponsored by Coca-Cola. Coke adds life.”

Disney World released a statement: “We at Disney always have extra security on Gay Day. Check our current rates.”

A representative of Gays Toward Christ, an organization that helps gay men believe in heterosexual living, told, “These are God’s children that have gone astray. They just need guidance. We just need your money.”

“They should be shot again,” said Fred Phelps, of Westboro Baptist Church. “God hates fags.”

We stopped at a concession stand selling T-shirts for the occasion. The sign above said, “Cast your vote here.” Shirts displayed “Not in my Neighborhood” or “Yes, in my Neighborhood.” You had a choice. We asked what the shirts meant. The entrepreneur said, “What does it matter? I sold out.” He certainly did.

At a makeshift podium, representatives of 360 organizations took turns to promote their causes. Each one rang a bell. There were a few gay activist groups among them. Others included Mothers Against Noisy Neighbors (MANN), Occupy Dance Clubs and Walmart.

We also saw a cotton candy vendor, a tent city of homeless people, one of those crane machines that grab 10 cent prizes for a dollar, a breast cancer awareness bus, a bouncy house, and a refreshment stand sponsored by Mrs. Smith’s second grade class. “We do this for the children,” said Mrs. Smith as she handed me a Red Bull. “It gives you wings, in honor of the dead.”

“It’s a shame, you know,” remarked a senior citizen. “All those young, innocent people dead. And out here, everybody’s partying, profiting, preaching, politicizing, proselytizing. They’re missing it all. Obama is right. We have to decide if this is the way we want to live in this country.”