Before Jeb Bush started advertising in Iowa, he was polling at 6 percent in the state. After every commercial, his polling numbers dropped another 1 percent. Currently, he is polling -1 percent, the lowest polling ever for a White House candidate. According to Des Moines Register:

This article is from the parody section, as if you can’t tell.

Jeb Bush’s campaign is canceling its Iowa television advertising buy and shifting money to double staff on the ground in January, the final month before the high-stakes Iowa caucuses.

Instead of running commercials, the recently de-trademarked Jeb campaign (formerly known as Jeb!™) is looking to hire paid actors to run around the early contest states and pretend they support Bush. With jobs hard to find, a nine-block-long line formed outside his Des Moines headquarters. Newscast Now interviewed some of the applicants. An untidy man dressed in a towel and a plastic bag told us, “My wife’s gonna leave me if I don’t get her something other than cat food for dinner tomorrow.” An African-American woman volunteered, “As a black woman supporting a Republican, I expect to get premium pay. I don’t like the guy but water is not a human right and mine’s turned off.”

A former Jeb Bush insider who now supports Lindsay Lohan gave us a copy of a secret email:

To those who still support Jeb please be aware. His current job creation program in early primary states is not an example of his overall economic program. Please rest assured that any local benefits will be reversed just as soon as Jeb takes his rightful place in the Entitlement position. By the end of Jeb’s first four years, there will be no economy to speak of. And we will shut off that woman’s water again if Jeb has to do it himself.

Although Jeb has cut back his campaign commercials, Iowans will not be disappointed. The TV will still be full of millions of dollars of pro-Bush and anti-Rubio advertisements thanks to the Super PAC Right To Rise. The Jeb Campaign and Right To Rise released a joint statement on a dual letterhead:

To Our Dear Jeb Bush Supporters:

We are happy to announce that Right To Rise will be picking up the slack and adding commercials to replace all of those which Jeb Bush canceled. The Campaign and the Super PAC spent hours together talking, brainstorming, splitting tasks, contemplating, and even some friendly touching, but at no time was there any campaign coordination.

Signed: Next President John Ellis Bush and current Right To Rise president Michael Ellis Murphy

A top Jeb campaign staffer insisted that we print the following statement: “Why is Donald Trump in the picture when the story is about Jeb?” We passed this question along to Trump. His answer: “Why not?” A Newscast Now editor sworn to anonymity explained, “If Trump was not in the picture, nobody would read the story. It’s called click bait.”

Picture credits: September 16, 2015, CNN Republican Debate