Democratic presidential candidate and unbeatable front runner Hillary Clinton, taking aim directly at the needs of the American people, has cocked-up her gun regulation plan. “I didn’t think something so Great as the Hillary Gun Regulation Plan could be improved; but she has her finger on it,” said Lloyd Blankfein. “It’s just right,” Tweeted Goldy Locks. From the press release:
This article is from the parody section, as if you can’t tell.
Hillary Clinton’s new platform defends gun rights for those who shoot the uninnocent
Your abuela is back at her favorite thing: protecting your right to keep and use guns. Hillary’s plan is more comprehensive than plans by any other candidate. Today, Hillary Clinton will announce that she supports the rights of Americans to keep and use guns. Gun owners have an absolute right to shoot the uninnocent. It’s been a long time coming, and Hillary put lots of thought into this, but she knows this is precisely the stance her wonderful supporters need to hear until she wins the nomination. We trust Hillary to do what is morally right.
The press release describes the “uninnocent” — which include her direct rival conservatives, those pesky liberals who keep criticizing her, and of course, moderates who never stand up for anything so they need to be shot down.
In her speech earlier today, Hillary Clinton said, “Guns are good, but they happen to bad people.”
In response, Donald Trump tweeted, “And these people call me violent?”
Behind the scenes, an anonymous Hillary insider source who we promised to keep secret told Newscast Now that her campaign was privately worried that “triggered gun rights advocates may prefer Bernie Sanders in these upcoming primaries, so we need to pander to peel votes away from Mr. Sanders.” Then David Brock continued, “Hillary hates guns and wants them all banned, but we’ll worry about that after we clinch this nomination.” Consumer Reports reviewed the new gun plan, finding that it was “new, improved and tastes sweeter with no after-burns.”
Newscast Now predicts Hillary Clinton will win all the rest of the primaries.
