FROM THE WIRE: Pinellas County Florida, April 1, 2016.
The bodies of Dominique Battle, 16, Ashaunti Butler, 15, and Laniya Miller, 15 will be returned to their families after they were put to death in Florida’s “death chamber.”
“All they did was steal a car!” says Patricia Alamontefurrante, a close friend. “It wasn’t like they did it dozens of times!”
It was their eighth grand auto theft.
A small group of protesters formed yesterday at the local St. Petersburg’s Walmart where the minors stole the car.
This article is from the parody section, as if you can’t tell.
“THIS IS WHERE IT ALL STARTED !!!” yelled a protester. “SOME GUY CAME HERE TO GET A TELEVISION. HE LEFT HIS CAR RUNNING IN THE PARKING LOT WHEN HE WENT IN !!!”
An investigation found that the “guy” took the car from someone else.
“IF WALMART DIDN’T TEMPT PEOPLE WITH THEIR LOW PRICES THEN THE MAN WOULDN’T HAVE LEFT HIS CAR RUNNING !!!”
Another calmer protester added; “Just because Walmart allows you to leave your car running doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be responsible for what happens to it…even if the man STOLE the television.”
Another protester holding a sign which read “Walmart’s Woe, it MUST go!” said; “This is just another way Walmart is bringing down our country. Did you know that Walmart only pays its employees the legal wage?”
The man who acquired the television was not available for comment. It is not known what became of him or how he got the 110″ television home or if he is watching it to learn about this incident.
The dead girls were all minors.
They died in the “death chamber” said Pinellas County Sheriff Bob Gualtieri in a press conference Thursday.
(Mr. Gualtieri was dressed in his finest uniform of desert tan and black accouterments. His hair was neatly quaffed and his shield was freshly polished for the occasion.)
According to Gualtieri, his deputies pursued the minor suspects in a 35 mile per hour chase that continued until 4 AM.
During the news conference, Fox News reporter Megyn Kelly questioned why such a “high speed” chase was necessary if the girls were only “minor” suspects. Sheriff Gualtieri was not able to answer this and Ms.Kelly continued to babble and counter babble her point excessively all during the rest of the conference.
“The deputies chasing the car did not have their emergency lights on,” said Sheriff Gualtieri. “It is against department policy.”
(Megyn Kelly was the activist moderator during the Kelly/Trump candidatorial debate which led Trump to victory in Florida as Floridians don’t want “their woman to act like Megyns.”)
Eventually the girls ditched the car in a cemetery but were apprehended before they even had time to get out of the vehicle.
“Oh, Ma Lord!” said Lacroweesha Washington, “That cemetery’s fulls a ponds an alligators an dead peeps ! Theys coulda be killed or somedin worst!”
“They use that on children? The death chamber?” commented a concerned Christian, Susan Smith. “This has gone too far. We have to get those f**king Democrats out of Congress!”
There have been no protests against the use of the death chamber or its expediency. At this time, the protest of Walmart is expanding beyond Florida.
“Juvenile crime, especially grand theft auto, has been skyrocketing in recent years.” Sheriff Gualtieri said. This is also expected to continue.
And as for the lesson of these three 15 year old career criminal girls?
“They died,” Gualtieri said.