In the past few years McDonald’s has been searching for a way to bring customers back to their tables. “We have tried many things including offering our diners free wi-fi,” said a company spokesperson. “For a while it brought people in but then our competitors quickly followed and business dropped again.” Wendy’s, Burger King and Sonic also offer free wi-fi.

McDonald’s, once the largest fast food chain, began losing sales since 2009. This quarter, the company took an additional 17% drop in sales, the largest in its history.

This article is from the parody section, as if you can’t tell.

McDonald’s once was the leader in the burger industry. “We were the first to exploit Russia and Germany. Wherever there’s a new place, we take advantage. People must eat, sleep and think McDonald’s if McDonald’s is going to survive. McDonald’s is always reconditioning the way people think. We have to. People don’t really know what they like. That can do damage to big controlling corporate businesses like us.”

McDonald’s has had its share of problems. In 1979, a story of Ronald McDonald’s murder plagued the company. Later that year, there was another story that a child found a finger in her french-fries.

The latest scandal to plaque McDonald’s is the “boogar incident” (“the boogar burger scare”). “We had a tough time doing damage control on that one. We blamed it on a few disgruntled employees who were just getting ready to retire. It only occurred on a few thousand burgers. We picked them out without pointing fingers,” said the spokesperson.

“The cost of making burgers has increased. We try to keep our prices at a minimum,” said the spokesperson. “So does the competitor. We were lucky one year. White Castle puts holes in their burgers. The consumer doesn’t realize they are paying for less. One year they ran out of holes and had to actually make their burgers smaller. It was the break we were looking for. Then, we were able to reduce the size of our burgers too.”

Although the strategy was ideal, McDonald’s advertising of the concept was halted by the FDA. “We were fined like 13 million dollars for that one but the profits we made were worth every cent.”

The McDonald’s ad stated, “Compared to our competitors, our burgers are still the same size.” The FDA stated that the sentence is misleading and should have mentioned that the burgers were the “same size” but only IN RATIO. At the time McDonald’s pulled the ad and put out a statement: “The FDA feels we should have added some words to our advertisement. Words cost money. The consumer doesn’t want to pay good money and have to eat our words too.”

“McDonald’s always tries to keep product and costs low,” a McDonald’s beef buyer told NewscastNow.com. “During the Mad Cow pandemic, we were able to buy beef below cost. Now it costs over $6 for a pound to press out 135 burgers.”

McDonald’s is now moving in a new direction, or a NUDE direction. Today, McDonald’s announced the plans for a new restaurant to open in New York. “It will be clothing optional! Right here in Times Square!” says Stella Morgan, a secretary from the corporate offices.

McDonald’s released this statement: “We are always looking for new opportunities for our customers. Recently we learned about a clothing optional restaurant that opened in London called The Bunyundi. It is getting great reviews and has a waiting list of over 25,000 people. We will be opening our own clothing optional fast food restaurant right here in New York City’s Times Square. We promise to make it a new and refreshing dining experience. We are presently contracting with Google Cloud to make it safe by installing a state-of-the-art security monitoring system. We want our customers to be excited as we are.”

The restaurant is slated to open by November this year.

But think twice before you ask “hold the pickle.”