Alice Walton, son of Walmart founder, has been hailed as the new Henry Ford with her remarkable marketing idea to celebrate Christmas 2015. In honor of the recent Supreme Court decision to recognize gay marriage in all fifty states, new tree-toppers are shaped like pink triangles.
This article is from the parody section, as if you can’t tell.
PINK TRIANGLES A HUGE SUCCESS
“I don’t know if daddy would approve,” said Alice Walton, “But then he always believed in that made in America stuff too.” Alice Walton, who uses other people’s money for charitable contributions continued, “Daddy was right in those times, and I love daddy very much. But today, any customer can have a tree decorated with anything that he wants as long as it is pink triangle topped.” Shoppers are shrieking with delight and rushing out to buy the new pink Christmas tree decorations. Pink is our favorite obsession. Pink, it’s not even a question.
Some consumers are asking good questions. For example, how do you decorate a tree with a pink triangle topper? To many, the answer is simple: get the blue balls. Conversion therapists and most everyone else agree, pink and blue go perfectly together. Here, a happy Walmart shopper checks out the highly demanded blue balls and discusses transitioning with her young son.
Our reporter on the scene came across a man drooling over a product. The man, who would only tell us his first name, Antonin, exclaimed, “I need to have more Teletubbies.”
TELETUBBIES COME BACK TO CELEBRATE
As predicted last year by The Independent, Tinky-Winky and the whole line of Teletubbies are making a comeback. These new centerpieces of inspirational Christmas past have been so successful today that all have been sold out.
RIOT BREAKS OUT AT WALMART
As seen here, a huge riot broke out at the Walmart over the new Teletubbies. One Teletubby was seriously injured and two are in the hospital with non-life-threatening injuries. The injured two are expected to make a full recovery in time for Christmas of 2016. A vigil is underway at Liberty University for the critical one. Some of the more defective humans involved have been sent back to the factory for a full refund under applicable lemon laws.
Featured photo at top came from a Loews display.