Banera, BR — A 73-year old woman faced a tragic end yesterday after a bottle of V05 shampoo crashed to the floor of her bathtub, causing her to slip and fall, smashing her head against the safety grab bars, gashing her forehead. She bled out during Jeopardy before help could arrive, according to the police forensics unit.

This article is from the parody section, as if you can’t tell.

Last evening, Andrea Futili was in the shower as her daughter Wendy arrived to her home at about 6:56 pm. According to Wendy, she called her mother but there was no answer. Wendy went into the bathroom to locate her mother, discovering her mother lying twisted in the bathtub with a shampoo bottle next to her, face down deep in the tub basin. She reported to the police in a written statement:

I stared at the shampoo bottle, recalling mommy telling me that the dollar store V05 brand of shampoo was pretty good, but it tended to fall down into the bathtub, the noise scaring her. She was gonna switch back to Suave. It was time for the show. I rushed to the TV set to turn it on and watch Jeopardy promptly at 7:00 because we love Jeopardy. The show was really good. I got 7 answers right and mommy didn’t get a single one. I beat her finally. I beat her! The last time I beat her in Jeopardy was back in 1997. I was feeling so proud. I got Final Jeopardy wrong but so did the contestants. Then, I went back into the bathroom. Everything seemed red to me. I called 911 to get help for mommy.

The call was made at 7:26 pm and paramedics arrived three minutes later. It was too late. Andrea was declared dead at the scene. The coroner’s report listed the time of death at 7:21 pm, noting that loss of blood was the direct mechanism of death. The cause of blood loss was listed as “undetermined,” and the case went to the homicide unit for further investigation.

In a press conference earlier today, Detective Harry Hyde explained developments to date: “Presently, our number one suspect is the V05 shampoo bottle, although the tub and the safety bars were present at the time.” Neither gave a statement.

The initial police report stated:

Appears that victim picked up shampoo, tried to coax it out of bottle and a scuffle ensues. She shakes vigorously and pounds bottle against wall until shampoo discharges. Victim lathers, rinses and repeats. At some point, bottle lunges from shelf, missing the victim, landing on bathtub.

An officer on the scene told NewscastNow.com, “Apparently, the sound of the shampoo bottle hitting the tub surprised the victim causing her to slip and hit her head on the safety bar. We see these cases often. They usually involved V05 shampoo.”

We tried to interview the victim’s daughter Wendy at the scene. She told us to speak to her lawyers. Her lawyers who specialize in shampoo death litigation made this statement for the press:

The V05 bottle is not user friendly. Evidence shows that V05 knew about their wobbly bottles in the past, but chose to continue producing these defective dangerous bottles without regard to human life. Many people have been injured by V05 shampoo. If you think You have been victimized by V05, You may be entitled to compensation. Call our offices today.

A spokesperson from the V05 shampoo company told NewscastNow.com:

This happens all the time. Just because women die using our product. We feel the problem lies with the manufacturer of the bathtub. We’ve had many complaints about wobbly bottles, and frankly, they just don’t stand up.

We followed-up with the bathtub manufacturer, who offered to replace the bathtub at no charge if we signed a release form. The company added that they could not be responsible for the actions of the grab bars. NewscastNow.com called the grab bar distributors. After 27 prompts, we were quickly disconnected.

UPDATE: NewscastNow.com has learned that the lawsuit was settled for an undisclosed seven million five hundred thousand dollar amount. Wendy’s lawyer told us, “It’s really a shame. There are no winners. Most of Wendy’s award went into litigation costs. But she can still afford a new Jacuzzi tub, television set and lifetime supply of V05 shampoo. The moral in all of this is — don’t trust anyone.”