MANCHESTER, N.H. — Internal polls conducted on Sunday suggest that Marco Rubio’s redundant debate performance damaged his prospects heading into the New Hampshire primary.

One poll, conducted by Right To Rise USA, a Super PAC with $118,307,035 in secret funding, places Jeb Bush at the top with 43 percent. The organization supports Jeb Bush. The margin of error is +/-whocares. The poll also shows shows Rubio plummeting to fourth place in the primary.

This article is from the parody section, as if you can’t tell.

Another poll, conducted by Conservative Solutions PAC with $30,449,901 in secret funding, places Marco Rubio at the top with 51 percent. The organization supports Marco Rubio. This survey was based on the phone calls to 500 members of the Rubio campaign. A source told us that they tried to convince the other 49 percent to change their minds.

A third poll leaked too. This one by Keep The Promise I, a secret funding source for Ted Cruz with $5,022,241, placed Ted Cruz at the top with 32 percent, and Rubio dead last. This one was based on a phone call by TrusTed Cruz telling the group to give him about 32 percent because that number is believable. Website Breitbart did not yet receive a recording of the phone call at press time, but it is expected soon.

Information from some of these polls was sneakily leaked to provide useful and accurate information to the New Hampshire primary voters. All of the secrecy surrounding the exact sources of the leaks by the secret sources with the secret funders was provided to inspire transparency and objectively. A Rubio spokesperson told us, “You don’t understand how undeliberate this is. This has nothing to do with trying to create a bandwagon effect before the primary.”

According to Politico, an earlier poll “conducted by the pro-John Kasich New Day for America Super PAC, shows Rubio plummeting to fourth place in the primary here, with 10 percent of the vote. Most of the polling conducted in the immediate days before the debate showed Rubio in second place.”

Donald Trump held a wide lead in earlier surveys, but some have been working hard to change this. The results are welcome news for each candidate who benefits from the secret money, as the pundits on television will spend hours this weekend promoting the numbers and enticing vacillating people to support the candidate that has “momentum.”

For most of the candidates, strong performances on Tuesday will give them the media sweetness to fight on to the South Carolina primary. Ted Cruz is expected to apologize for a fake poll and claim a lack of knowledge for his wrong poll numbers, which will be quickly accepted.

Marco Rubio told Newscast Now:

Let’s dispel this fiction that someone else is ahead. When I am president, I will understand what we are dealing with. Let’s dispel this fiction that someone else is ahead. When I am president, I will understand what we are dealing with. Let’s dispel this fiction that someone else is ahead. When I am president, I will understand what we are dealing with.

The Kasich campaign disagreed about Rubio becoming president, telling Politico, “It’s one of the most dramatic drops I have ever seen in 48 hours. A rock doesn’t do it justice.” A clarification was sent to our email: “Rubio is toast. John has electability. John has momentum. Try our new improved Kasich product.”