For the past few months, Prince (Roger Nelson) had become sicker and sicker.

“It was obvious something was wrong if you saw him up close,” said Tambina DeMoine, a personal friend and president of Prince’s fan club. “He looked like a skeleton. He used dark glasses to hide his eyes. They were sunken. At first we thought he was anorexic but it turns out to be worse.”

News about the circumstances around Prince’s death had been circulating for some time. “Why do all these diseases take the lives of great people? Can’t they pass a law or something?” asked a distraught fan, noting Rock Hudson, Freddy Mercury, Arthur Ash and Liberace.

This article is from the parody section, as if you can’t tell.

The caretakers of the ailing superstar maintained secrecy during his battle even though they suspected he was going to die.

“It isn’t fair!” cried Jimmy Tomachi. “They should have told us before so we could write him a card!”

“Prince lived life like he died; fast and hard. The lifestyle of a superstar takes many tolls. Look at Elvis Presley and Whitney Houston,” says private specialist, Dr. Jerome Levy. “Too many drugs tend to make you do anything. That’s why these music idols have unprotected sex. That’s why they die.”

There have been many accounts of Prince’s use of illegal drugs and unprotected homosexual experiences. His death, on account of aides, is tragic.