Linda Fedderman was cooking her baby a healthy dinner when suddenly something went terribly wrong. “She came in from the garden with fresh picked carrots to add to her broccoli, and a few minutes later her baby girl was dead,” stated Fedderman’s battery of attorneys. “How could dis happen!” Fedderman told NewscastNow.com still covered with manure from her garden.
How? Fedderman’s baby was infected by LISTERIA, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announced, pinpointing the source to be from frozen broccoli distributed by Texas Longhorn Vegetable Company (now suddenly defunct).
“How could LISTERINE kill my BABY!” demanded the angry mother of 11.
This article is from the parody section, as if you can’t tell.
A spokesperson at Johnson and Johnson immediately retorted; “WASN’T US !!! They just keep picking on us!!! It isn’t fair! We admitted to accidentally killing some people. We were honest and open about it. Now, people have to believe us! They need to move on. We’ve already forgotten about it.” Johnson and Johnson is the proud maker of Listerine. Listerine kills 99.9% of all germs. It does not kill 0.1% which happens to be Listeria this week. Johnson and Johnson is currently in the spotlight for killing people with other products. See the NewscastNow.com exclusive story here.
The fact checkers at NewscastNow.com‘s research bureau investigated listeria disease and found, “Listeria is a disease.” According to Wikipedia, their listeria “article is of interest to multiple WikiProjects. This page needs more citations and verifications for accuracy. The inconclusive evidence of this article is not accurate. You can help by expanding it.”
A company spokesperson for the Texas Longhorn Vegetable Company, Beetis Longhorn, told us that he was “not readily available for comment at this time.” NewscastNow.com asked Mr Longhorn when he would be back in the office so we could reach him. Mr. Longhorn stated that he “did not know” and that he “was in the middle of dissolving the company.”
NewscastNow.com put pressure on the Great North American and Atlantic Meat Packing Institute of Idaho to compel Mr. Longhorn to be available for comment. Mr.Longhorn reluctantly made himself available and called NewscastNow.com. This time Mr. Longhorn was congenial and offered to answer every question put to him by NewscastNow.com.
“No comment,” were his replies.
The FDA has finally announced a voluntary recall. See the recall here.
A release from the FDA on Thursday stated, “The recall involves 1800 cases of Frozen Broccoli Cuts in several varieties -– NIBS, strained, large or small cut, labeled and unlabeled, and tofu. If your can has certain dates on it, be careful. Shake your can vigorously. If it jiggles it is probably full of manure.” There are presently over 180 cases in the United States, Ohio being no exception.”
“It’s terrible!” said Joan Davis. “You always hear about it happening to other people. And it did!”
“Texas Longhorn’s weekly coupons of 10 cents off are not infectious,” said a spokesperson of the Heinz Pickle Company. “We will be happy to take advantage of their misfortune and redeem those coupons at one-third face value toward any of our broccoli products.*”
“MA BABY’s DEAD!” wailed Ms. Fedderman. “HE’S DEAD!”
Fortunately, Ms. Fedderman’s daughter survived with only severe brain damage.
“This could have been prevented!” stated one of Ms. Fedderman’s many contingent lawyers. “It’s not about the money. It’s about the principal of the money. Why should Texas Longhorn get away with creating a vegetable?” Ms. Fedderman’s lawyers plan to sue all parties involved for $27,000,000 and an increase in her social service allotment. “We also plan to sue the media who failed to get broccoli amber alerts out to the economically oppressed neighborhoods.”
Consumers who have Texas Longhorn Frozen Broccoli should not hesitate. Move your can quickly out of the house. Call the waste in town hall. Tell them you want your nibs removed. Do not take broccoli into your own hands.
*Limited time offer. Good until supplies last. Three items available. Not responsible for any listeria in our products.