Private property owner, businessman, and shepherd of “liberals” Markos Moulitsas, also known as “Kos,” has tightened his position concerning free speech at popular website DailyKos.com. On March 4, Kos announced that he would no longer tolerate pesky views on his site.

This article is from the parody section, as if you can’t tell.

Today, Kos updated his post-March 15 policy, under the assumption that his favorite candidate would win the primaries in Florida, Ohio, Illinois, North Carolina, and Missouri. From the updated announcement:

As of today, Hillary Clinton has 596 delegates to Bernie Sanders’ 407. It is now March 15 and by all indications, Clinton will expand that delegate lead.

If she doesn’t, and Bernie Sanders overperforms expectations, I will allow people to mention his name for a few more days, but only if they speak in iambic pentameter. If he continues to be a pathetic loser, this site will become prohibitive of his low-blow unfair criticisms of wonderful Hillary.

If your state hasn’t voted, don’t sweat it! Outside of Daily Kos, you can still vote for whoever you want. We have not finished building our external Stasi yet. Maybe by 2020. But don’t get upset that your vote doesn’t matter. It’s a bullcrap system, but it’s what I help stick us with.

To reiterate since many of you progressives are dense as cement, if Sanders eats into Clinton’s big huge giant insurmountable lead by March 15, then we carry on. So says your Big Daddy Kos. But if Sanders doesn’t, then on March 15 this site officially transitions to general election Hillary shillary. If you want the most liberal government possible, move to Sweden. We aren’t going to get that this cycle or any other cycle. But we will keep building my private property so that by 2024, we have lots of great keyboard warriors willing to work for free to keep Daily Kos high in the internet ratings.

It does no good to keep disagreeing over something that I have already declared. The numbers are the numbers, and my web statistics are very good.

There is much to unite us: I have conceded to the idea that we are still allowed to hate on Debbie Wasserman Schultz however begrudgingly so, because I would lose all credibility if I did not, and there goes my bread and butter. Business is business. Maintaining the site and giving out a carrot or two to the commies that work here free is a priority. There is strong agreement that we can complain about the primary process, just as long as we forget by the time the next one comes around.

Do you know what else we all agree on? The Supreme Court … We all agree to permit Republicans to block any nomination. This way, we have another reason to use my army of foolish socialist workers to promote Hillary. Here’s another carrot: a Hillary appointment will overturn Citizens United. I also believe or at least I say that the next appointment will protect other rights including labor unions, gerrymandering, etc.

Clinton critics like to cite the presidency of Bill as evidence of her various horrible traits, like the telecom act, TANF, material support laws, GATT, NAFTA, banking deregulation, copyright extension, crime bills, mass incarceration, death penalty, superpredators, and on and on, but put all of that aside and chop off your right arm. His Supreme Court nominees were pretty good. That’s all we can have until 2024 when magic will transform the system through Big Daddy Kos censorship.

There’s too much steak in this election and I want my piece. You may not give a crap because whatever whatever oligarchy. Your disagreements are insincere lies. Kos has determined that you don’t give a crap. Anyway, I believe in tooth fairies and the idea that hammering independent-minded people by calling them liars is sure to bring them over to my side — especially now when the Republican party is in disarray and the Democratic candidate is practically a shoe-in.

So here’s my orders as of March 15:

This site is transitioning from a Democratic partisan site to a Hillary-only supporting partisan site. I will no longer tolerate malicious attacks on our presumptive presidential nominee or our presidential efforts. What does that mean?

• No attacks on Hillary Clinton using right-wing tropes of sources. I know what right-wing sources are and you don’t. If it’s not David Brock at Media Matters, it’s not allowed.
  
• Constructive criticism from the Left is allowed. Let me spell it out. “We need to assist the Hillary Clinton campaign in getting her elected” versus “I disagree with Hillary’s view on an issue.” Don’t call her a neocon because I resemble that comment and it would be offensive.
• Saying you won’t vote, or will vote for Trump, or will vote for Jill Stein (or another Third Party) is not allowed. If that’s how you feel, shut up and be censored. I don’t want to know the opinions of those who might see limitations in Hillary’s popularity until it’s too late to counter them. But you can still be constructive in other areas and support My Site.
• If you are going to be pessimistic, you better support it. There’s a difference between “Clinton can’t beat Trump” and “Clinton can’t beat Trump in Alabama”. There’s no difference between “Sanders can’t beat Clinton” and “Sanders can’t beat Clinton in Alabama.” The difference between the difference and the no difference is that Big Daddy Kos knows better.
• No re-litigating the primary. Forget the entire past, especially the earlier Kos policy changes and purges. You don’t learn from history. True knowledge comes only from Big Daddy Kos. Move on. George Soros says so.
• Battle “the establishment” where it makes sense. So you are angry at the establishment? Supreme Court! Supreme Court again! Important! I declare! But you, as individuals, have choices, and you can direct your energy and money to those candidates who are more closely aligned with your values. You just can’t talk about it anywhere that I am King.
• We are really in this together. Don’t talk about things that I don’t like. Wipe the slate clean, and let’s move forward together as allies, not enemies or, at worst, frenemies, as long as you support my edicts.

Once Clinton is elected, we’ll all have plenty of reasons to criticize her actions after the deal is done and there’s little we can do. That’s what would happen even if Bernie Sanders or Elizabeth Warren got elected, because no one can ever live up to any good liberal’s hopes and expectations. Liberals bug me. Politics is messy and requires top-down partisan authorities who profit. But hey, we’ll push Clinton hard — we will push her right into office and settle on a “third way” moderate candidate before the primaries are over, and we’ll like it. Sound good? Say, “Yes Big Daddy Kos, it sounds stupendous.”

[Update] Spiking this site with my views and your compliance is needed because Hillary Clinton is such an extremely strong candidate that if anyone steps out of line with critiques, then she will lose to a Ted Cruz or be dumped to a Donald Trump. I have total faith in her being moderate enough. The only thing that would scare me are people with their own beliefs using my site to express ideas. So, that will not be tolerated after March 15.

This is not the first time that the great Kos has employed his private property to save mobs of liberal and progressive masses from their ignorance. As Kos noted back in 2005:

But, what about Freedom of Speech?

Doesn’t the First Amendment give me the right to talk about whatever I want here?

No. Daily Kos is owned by kos. The servers are his. He pays the bandwidth charges. He makes the rules; we are here as his guests. If he decides tomorrow that anyone not posting in iambic pentameter will be banned, your options are either to brush up on your poetry skills or find/start another forum… Make no mistake, this is a purge.

Move on the Kos will tell us what we need.
He profits from it that’s what really counts.
Don’t worry ’bout some prior massive purge.
Just focus on Today’s ban and concede.